Brave or Stupid ? Saying how I feel.

imageI had a heart racing, voice trembling conversation with someone I love last week. I embraced the “feel the fear and do it anyway” Susan Jeffers saying and the “if it scares you it might be a good thing to try” Seth Godin one as well and with a racing heart, dialled the numbers on the phone so that I could tell someone how I really felt about a situation. I’m generally a pretty nice kind of person, I care about other people, it’s what comes naturally to me. But the down side of that can be that I don’t always express things to avoid making other people feel bad. Usually that feels ok, but last week it didn’t feel ok. I had supressed what I really felt and told someone  that it was Ok that he couldn’t come and see our daughter in the school musical, that I understood it was tricky for him, that it didn’t matter, she didn’t have a lead  role blah blah blah. It just ate away at me that I hadn’t told him the truth, that I had avoided making a scene, making waves, expressing my disappointment and now I had all these feelings bubbling around inside me and giving me bad dreams and draining my energy.

I’m not exactly sure what possessed me to make the call, but I feel it has something to do with how I am just expressing myself more lately and living a more courageous life.That I have been thinking about being brave and what that means to me. So without boring you with all the details. I will tell you that I did say what was true for me,  I did it respectfully and honestly. I did it with a racing heart and breathless and shaky voice. I did it, it’s done and there have been/are consequences to that.

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The only thing I feel comfortable writing here is that I feel freer and stronger. I feel like I did the right thing for me. I can’t make it ok for everyone else, but I’ve made my feelings known ,I decided they matter. Hello, I’m important too! Yep maybe selfish, but also a bit Mumma Bearish, and bit Lioness protecting her cubs ish…. Roar.

I am a bit scared about what will happen now. I need to regroup and summon some more courage for what comes next and this is where my art journal is coming into play. I’m mixing get messy art journal prompts with what I’m feeling right now and I’m experimenting with expressing it in a little zine  (which was a get messy art journal prompt). The pages are black which suit, it’s a new thing to try which suits my theme(# familydrama) and I’m trying a different style.

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I’m kind of  realising therapeutic benefits/therapy of art journaling, I’m hoping I won’t regret my actions (or this post) and  I’m going to make another cup of tea.

Thanks for “listening” to me get things off my chest.

Emily x

p.s If you want to try making your own zine, here is a great tutorial over at rookie. Thanks Get messy art journal group and thanks Jules for the idea to do something differently!

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11 thoughts on “Brave or Stupid ? Saying how I feel.

  1. I feel your doubts, your internal – and probably physical – shaking and the ‘what ifs’, Emily! I’m not a wave maker either. I don’t like conflict but our love for our kiddies makes us have to shift out of our comfort zones sometimes. I’m feeling a bit the same at the moment – seeing a swamped child at the moment I’m wondering how much do I protest to her school and what do I just suck up? I hope all works out for you. In the end, we have to be able to be honest in our relationships. Hope the musical went well. Sigh of relief it is now over for you, I am sure looking forward to our’s being done next Saturday night!

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    1. Thanks Carolyn for your supportive and understanding comment. I hope things are easy after the musical for your daughter ( and you). I’m sure you’ll when and if you need to make waves at the school. We may look quiet, but if needed we can roar .

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  2. It is so great your art journalling is helping you. feeling stronger and freer can only be a good thing. Well done Emily it takes courage to be so authentic 🙂

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  3. If it is what you are feeling, then it is real, it is true & whatever you are doing in your life to help you express that better/more adequately is a really special & wonderous thing & I am sending you hugely positive vibes. I am pleased you knew there would be ‘fall out’ but you did it anyway. Because you matter. You do indeed lovely lady.
    On a completely different note, I saw you went to the Ballarat Dawn Service this morning. How grand. Dad & I went to the Bendigo Dawn Service for the first time this morning. It certainly wasn’t as huge as the one at the Shrine we normally attend, but Dad & I agree that we loved the more personal feel of a ‘small’ town affair.
    I hope things improve & you continue to find your voice xx

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  4. I feel you 100%. It’s so so so hard to talk to family sometimes. They know just which buttons to push. But, yes, your feelings are important. It’s ok to be true to you. Even when there are consequences, these are mostly out of surprise on the other person’s part at your bravery, they are taken aback at first but I am sure things will fall into place. You go girl xx

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    1. Thanks Vanessa , I think things are going to work out ok and yes I needed to say how I felt. My next challenge will be not letting things build up, family relationships are probably the hardest because we want them to work. Work in progress. Thanks for your support!

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  5. Hey Emily – I love that you wrote this post and that you didn’t let the possibility of consequences stop you from speaking up for your feelings and your family. When I saw the image of your ‘feelings are important’ page it really helped me so much that day. Being brave is about feelings and perhaps also a little bit about being selfish, but in the best possible way so that you can feel strong and happy and that you are living your life to your own unique tune. And that is the most important thing. I’ll be working on my zine this week. Hugs xxx

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