I had a heart racing, voice trembling conversation with someone I love last week. I embraced the “feel the fear and do it anyway” Susan Jeffers saying and the “if it scares you it might be a good thing to try” Seth Godin one as well and with a racing heart, dialled the numbers on the phone so that I could tell someone how I really felt about a situation. I’m generally a pretty nice kind of person, I care about other people, it’s what comes naturally to me. But the down side of that can be that I don’t always express things to avoid making other people feel bad. Usually that feels ok, but last week it didn’t feel ok. I had supressed what I really felt and told someone that it was Ok that he couldn’t come and see our daughter in the school musical, that I understood it was tricky for him, that it didn’t matter, she didn’t have a lead role blah blah blah. It just ate away at me that I hadn’t told him the truth, that I had avoided making a scene, making waves, expressing my disappointment and now I had all these feelings bubbling around inside me and giving me bad dreams and draining my energy.
I’m not exactly sure what possessed me to make the call, but I feel it has something to do with how I am just expressing myself more lately and living a more courageous life.That I have been thinking about being brave and what that means to me. So without boring you with all the details. I will tell you that I did say what was true for me, I did it respectfully and honestly. I did it with a racing heart and breathless and shaky voice. I did it, it’s done and there have been/are consequences to that.
The only thing I feel comfortable writing here is that I feel freer and stronger. I feel like I did the right thing for me. I can’t make it ok for everyone else, but I’ve made my feelings known ,I decided they matter. Hello, I’m important too! Yep maybe selfish, but also a bit Mumma Bearish, and bit Lioness protecting her cubs ish…. Roar.
I am a bit scared about what will happen now. I need to regroup and summon some more courage for what comes next and this is where my art journal is coming into play. I’m mixing get messy art journal prompts with what I’m feeling right now and I’m experimenting with expressing it in a little zine (which was a get messy art journal prompt). The pages are black which suit, it’s a new thing to try which suits my theme(# familydrama) and I’m trying a different style.
I’m kind of realising therapeutic benefits/therapy of art journaling, I’m hoping I won’t regret my actions (or this post) and I’m going to make another cup of tea.
Thanks for “listening” to me get things off my chest.